She often wondered why she had become the man she once dreamed of marrying. Her own masculinity sometimes frightened her, a force she hadn’t anticipated but one that had grown naturally from the life she lived.
Raised in a typical Asean household, she grew up watching her father as the sole breadwinner, her mother a full-time housewife, and her older brothers embodying authority. Movies reinforced the same narrative: men were portrayed as powerful, logical, and always right. Women, on the other hand, were depicted as dependent, weaker, and in need of protection.
She didn’t resist these ideas at first. In fact, she liked them. Who wouldn’t want to be cared for, protected, and provided for? But as she grew, she equipped herself with education, survival skills, and real-world knowledge. Surrounded by boys, she naturally developed a dominant, firm presence. People often described her as fierce, though she preferred to call it resolute.
Life, however, dismantled her early beliefs. Through experience and observation, she discovered that men were not always right. Many were poor communicators, emotionally immature, and often selfish. Some ran from problems instead of facing them, misinterpreted stoicism as emotional emptiness, and lacked remorse or accountability. She saw how masculinity had been wrongly preached, confused with control, aggression, and dominance. To her, true masculinity meant gentleness, responsibility, and the courage to lead with kindness.
Her encounters revealed darker truths. She witnessed men mistreating, using, and discarding women, the very people they were supposed to protect. And then came the most piercing realization: how was she supposed to believe a man could protect her, when the only thing she truly needed protection from was men themselves?
Some sought partners to act as assistants or maids, expecting women to succeed professionally while still carrying the full weight of domestic duties. Others reduced women to objects of pleasure or convenience. Few seemed interested in growth, unity, or genuine partnership.
She came to reject the shallow definition of masculinity tied only to biology. For her, masculinity was about integrity, respect, and responsibility. And though she had endured heartbreak, betrayal, and humiliation, she chose to stop expecting and start loving herself.
Her journey was not easy. She endured sleepless nights, bitterness, and the pain of being treated as an object rather than a partner. She paid bills, drove miles, gave loyalty, kindness, and love, only to be met with manipulation, ghosting, and deceit. Yet she refused to let these experiences define her worth. She accepted them as part of her karma, but vowed they would not derail her dharma.
She also recognized a deeper injustice: when people misuse the good karma of others, it is against the dharma itself. She hoped that something significant in life would awaken these individuals, making them better human beings and breaking the destructive patterns they perpetuate. She prayed fervently, for God to protect the vulnerable from such people, and for those people to find the strength to seek healing and treatment.
Through it all, she held onto her empathy. She trusted too much, gave too much, and sometimes tolerated too much. But she never regretted her nature. She believed that doing what was right, respecting others, and leaving judgment to God was enough.
Now, she lives with clarity. She continues to grow, to give, and to do her best for those who need her. She is grateful for her support system and privileges, and she embraces life with resilience.
One day, she may marry or commit again, but only to a man more masculine than she is in every aspect. A man who deserves her respect. Until then, she remains her own protector, her own provider, and her own source of love.
Credit: Original write up, enhanced by CoPilot AI, image by Gemini AI.
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