Owning My Truth

The road to healing is rarely straight. It’s often windier and longer than we expect, a journey paved with pain, reflection, and quiet realisations. My latest chapter led me through a space where I had to balance a deep, challenging question: How do I remain fair to myself while trying to be trustworthy to someone who deliberately caused me harm? I saw an ugly side of this person, a version I wished didn't exist. Yet, the love didn’t simply disappear. It lingered, a strange testament to what love can be, complicated and persistent. Inside me, there was a war, a yin-and-yang struggle between the desperate need to let go and the heavy weight of resentment. Those feelings are still fighting. Many questions and thoughts remain unanswered, swirling in the air. I know, in time, this won't dominate my daily thoughts. I know that one day, I won't feel anything about this situation anymore. But right now, the wound is still fresh. It's a wound of pleasure, a stark reminder that pleasure, desire, and attachment are often the routes to suffering. But in this pain, I’ve found a profound sense of pride. I am glad for being myself, for honoring my feelings and wants, because I matter. My pleasure is a priority. I know I am far from perfect, but I also know that someone who comes with the wrong intentions will always find a reason to leave, no matter how perfect you try to be. I’ve had to find new channels to express myself, a way to make sure my voice is heard. In doing this, I made a conscious decision to protect his credibility, whatever that means. But I kept writing, spreading my wings, following my truest and deepest emotions. I express and reflect honestly about what happened. The more I write, the better I feel. And when my voice is heard, when it is acknowledged and my story gets an audience, I know my pain was not wasted. That is where the power lies. I carry no hate; I don’t have the capacity to carry that kind of weight. But I will carry my pain with pride, despite the high price I paid for it. This is my journey now. I have come to love being with myself. I have so much to offer, so I am offering myself everything first. Then, I offer it to those who genuinely want me and invest in me. Relationships are not purely transactional, but we must depend on each other for support and shared experiences. The vibe didn’t lie. It didn’t lie when it was genuine, and it certainly didn’t lie when it was rotten. My gut feeling is too strong for me to reject. But the direct communication was deteriorating, and that didn't help. I don't regret the choices I’ve made, but there’s a profound lesson in all of this. Feeling like you've met "the one" at 18 is very different from being in your 40s. "The one" may not mean forever, but in my context, it’s someone my body recognizes and approves. It’s the somatic experience of safety,even if other things aren't perfectly fulfilled.

Real intimacy isn't performative; it's about being, feeling every moment without an end goal, just moving with the beat. That is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me, so far. The future remains unpredictable, and I’ll go with the flow. What I am absolutely clear about is this: I matter. My wants and needs matter. I deserve everything my heart and body desire, and I don't have to change in order to get it. My mind and body are aligned. I have nothing to be embarrassed about; everything is a part of my life. I own my truth, and I’ve moved past the phase of “shame”, the idea that I should have mastered everything already. I will never hold my wants or desires back for the sake of keeping those who do not align with my values, no matter their background. I benefit from love and kindness, not a material background. I will honor my life, my body, and my wishes by being who I am unapologetically. If someone who lies or betrays can lead a life with no regrets, I see no reason why I should regret my actions or feel unworthy for mistakes I may have made. This is the case as long as I haven't planned harm, exploited anyone, or befriended someone with bad intent. Intention matters. Intimacy should be natural, built on mutual feelings and a sense of belonging. There must be the same level of respect before and after, and for it to continue, there must be safety. I will do what I have to do. I will honor myself. I am happy and proud of who I am. I deserve way more than I ask for, and when I meet the right one, they will remind me that I never should have had to ask. Nothing in my life made sense before, in relation to the suffering I went through and the repetitive toxic relationships I was in. If the key is to understand and accept that I was part of the problem by allowing it, then I will take that key. It is not hard to see, but it is surely hard to truly embrace. This is my growth. Further reading recommendation: https://www.verywellmind.com/self-healing-techniques-8665438 https://holistichealthpathways.com/glossario/what-is-healing-understanding-the-healing-process/ https://dougbopst.com/neuroscientist-how-to-rewire-your-brain-after-trauma-manifest-your-dreams-dr-tara-swart/ (Original piece by author, language refined & image by Gemini.)